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Feb 17, 2011
02/11
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when obama finds out, he's going to be speechless. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ laughter ] no more fist pumping. check this out, guys. a new study found that married couples who go on double dates with other couples are more likely to have better relationships. yeah. they say it inspires better communication on the ride home when you talk about how much you hated the other couple. [ laughter ] he thinks he's so cool. [ laughter ] he's not as cool as me. i drive like this, swerving all the time. car going like this. it's a windy road. >> audience member: look out! agh! >> jimmy: oh, my god. [ laughter ] i'll put on my record here. [ laughter ] you just -- [ laughter ] i'm much cooler than that. oh my gosh. look out. there's a tree. you're dead. [ laughter ] hey, guys, this is too bad. borders books has filed for bankruptcy. [ audience aws ] -- and will close all 200 of its super stores. yeah. when sarah palin heard that she was like, finally, we're closing the border. [ laughter ] i've been fighting, you betch'ya. i've been fighting for this. [ cheers and applause ] finall
when obama finds out, he's going to be speechless. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ laughter ] no more fist pumping. check this out, guys. a new study found that married couples who go on double dates with other couples are more likely to have better relationships. yeah. they say it inspires better communication on the ride home when you talk about how much you hated the other couple. [ laughter ] he thinks he's so cool. [ laughter ] he's not as cool as me. i drive like this, swerving...
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Feb 18, 2011
02/11
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not president barack obama. that's not correct. well, you know what that means. courtney, let's wax that chest! ♪ ooh, that's hot. >> oh man. >> oh, gosh. >> jimmy: rip it! [ cheers and applause ] oh my gosh. how does that feel? is it all right? >> it hurts. >> jimmy: all right, all right, all right, all right. okay. hey, rocky start. rocky start. you can make up for it on this next question. let's see what i'm going to choose here. 13th century south american architecture. let's take a look at that question. according to a historian graziano gasparini, incan stonemasonry was influenced by this pre-columbian archeological site located in modern day bolivia. don't over think it. [ laughter ] >> so it's a site right? >> jimmy: yep. >> where is brazil? [ buzzer ] ♪ brazilian wax. >> jimmy: we were looking for tiwanaku. >> oh, oh. >> tiwanaku located off the eastern shore of lake titicaca. [ laughter ] okay, courtney, let's wax that chest! ♪ >> jimmy: breathe in and breathe out. rip it. >> ow. >> jimmy: that was good. that was a pretty good one there. that was
not president barack obama. that's not correct. well, you know what that means. courtney, let's wax that chest! ♪ ooh, that's hot. >> oh man. >> oh, gosh. >> jimmy: rip it! [ cheers and applause ] oh my gosh. how does that feel? is it all right? >> it hurts. >> jimmy: all right, all right, all right, all right. okay. hey, rocky start. rocky start. you can make up for it on this next question. let's see what i'm going to choose here. 13th century south american...
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Feb 24, 2011
02/11
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president obama has named aol founder steve case to the white house jobs council. hiring the founder of aol is expensive but obama got a cd-rom in the mail that offered 100 free hours, so it was -- [ laughter ] it should work out. [ cheers and applause ] some big entertainment news. larry king is launching a one-man stand up comedy show. [ light laughter ] yeah, it's just 45 minutes of watching larry king try to stand up. it's actually. [ laughter ] i've seen it. it's pretty funny. it's pretty funny. "can we help him?" "no, don't help him. it's part of the act." "this goes on for 40 --" "yeah, sometimes he does an encore. who knows?" "does he ever stand up?" "we don't know. we can't give away the ending." this is crazy, here. a woman in kansas gave birth in a hospital elevator before she could reach the delivery room in time. yeah, unfortunately, the elevator made stops at every floor 'cause someone kept yelling, "push." they're like, "no, no --" [ laughter ] no, just -- i'm just -- you push -- push. stop pushing number, please." that's right. a woman gave birth in
president obama has named aol founder steve case to the white house jobs council. hiring the founder of aol is expensive but obama got a cd-rom in the mail that offered 100 free hours, so it was -- [ laughter ] it should work out. [ cheers and applause ] some big entertainment news. larry king is launching a one-man stand up comedy show. [ light laughter ] yeah, it's just 45 minutes of watching larry king try to stand up. it's actually. [ laughter ] i've seen it. it's pretty funny. it's pretty...
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Feb 5, 2011
02/11
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[ cheers and applause ] well, president obama said yesterday that he's got some love for the steelers. [ cheers and boos ] yeah. he said he's got the love for the steelers, specifically goldman sachs, aig, citibank. [ laughter ] i don't know if you guys saw this, in an interview yesterday egyptian president hosni mubarak said that barack obama doesn't understand egyptian culture. man, get off your high camel, right? [ laughter ] this is nice. i heard that charlie sheen is paying the "two and a half men" crew's salary while he's in rehab. [ light laughter ] it just goes to show, right, despite all the scandal and the drugs, at the end of the day, he's actually a very rich guy. [ laughter and applause ] and get this, charlie sheen's estranged wife brooke mueller is reportedly in talks to go on "dancing with the stars." yeah, even charlie was like, "yikes, embarrassing." [ laughter ] whateve. whateve. hey, facebook celebrated its seventh birthday today, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. cool. i have to be honest, though, i only remembered its birthday, because i saw it on facebook.
[ cheers and applause ] well, president obama said yesterday that he's got some love for the steelers. [ cheers and boos ] yeah. he said he's got the love for the steelers, specifically goldman sachs, aig, citibank. [ laughter ] i don't know if you guys saw this, in an interview yesterday egyptian president hosni mubarak said that barack obama doesn't understand egyptian culture. man, get off your high camel, right? [ laughter ] this is nice. i heard that charlie sheen is paying the "two...
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Feb 8, 2011
02/11
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in response, obama was like, "you first." [ laughter ] standoff. hey, check this out. a new study found that 25% of prostitutes use facebook to solicit clients. yeah. the other 75% just do it the old-fashioned way, craigslist. [ light laughter ] [ one person cheers loud ] [ laughter ] somebody just made some money right there. [ laughter and applause ] please turn your phones off! no mobile craigslisting while you're here at the show. this is insane, you guys. an alligator farm in florida just installed a zip line so that visitors can ride above the alligator tanks. [ laughter ] that's nice. it's like the alligator version of those sushi bars with the conveyor belts. it's like, "not that one, not that one, no. oh, yeah, that fat guy. yeah, drop him, let him go. let him in." and finally, mattel is releasing barbie dolls inspired by the characters from the tv show "dynasty." if you like tv shows from the '80s and you still like playing barbie dolls -- i'm chris hansen from "dateline nbc." [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show tonight. give it up for the
in response, obama was like, "you first." [ laughter ] standoff. hey, check this out. a new study found that 25% of prostitutes use facebook to solicit clients. yeah. the other 75% just do it the old-fashioned way, craigslist. [ light laughter ] [ one person cheers loud ] [ laughter ] somebody just made some money right there. [ laughter and applause ] please turn your phones off! no mobile craigslisting while you're here at the show. this is insane, you guys. an alligator farm in...
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Feb 10, 2011
02/11
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the obama administration announced a $53 billion plan to build a network of high-speed trains across the u.s. in fact, it's already made obama the favorite to win the election of 1836. [ laughter ] [ old timey accent ] "they're building trains. go all the way to californee. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there's gold! there's gold in them there hills! i can't wait. this donkey is getting' old!" in more political news, vice president biden welcomes sylvania's prime minister, borut pahor, to the white house today. it was a little awkward, though, 'cause when biden heard his name was borut, he was like -- [ borat impersonation ] "your country is nice. i like. sexy time. my wife." [ laughter ] and this morning on the "today" show, michelle obama called the bush twins magnificent and chelsea clinton a solid young woman. yep. in fact, the only president's kid she didn't compliment was george bush senior's. aohs interesting. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you guys, get this a new survey found that 15% of americans have had more sex than usual while being snowed in this winter. [cheers and
the obama administration announced a $53 billion plan to build a network of high-speed trains across the u.s. in fact, it's already made obama the favorite to win the election of 1836. [ laughter ] [ old timey accent ] "they're building trains. go all the way to californee. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there's gold! there's gold in them there hills! i can't wait. this donkey is getting' old!" in more political news, vice president biden welcomes sylvania's prime minister,...
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Feb 16, 2011
02/11
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i'm obama's dad? [ laughter ] laura, you've got to hear this!" [ laughter ] hey, this is a crazy, crazy story. a woman here in new york took off all of her clothes on a delta flight this week. [ light laughter ] people knew something was wrong when they actually heard the words "took off" and "delta" in the same sentence. [ laughter ] they're like, "that's got to be something." give me that. hey, new york's health department has a new iphone app to help new yorkers find the nearest place to get free condoms. [ light laughter ] i heard the condom app is pretty good if you can figure out how to get it open. it's just not easy to -- [ laughter ] tricky. listen to this, ronnie from "jersey shore" pleaded not guilty to punching a guy outside a nightclub back in 2009. now he has to hope prosecutors don't uncover that one piece of evidence, a hit tv show where he said, "hey, i just punched a guy outside a nightclub!" [ laughter ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's how you win all of the emmy's. [ light laughter ] that's how
i'm obama's dad? [ laughter ] laura, you've got to hear this!" [ laughter ] hey, this is a crazy, crazy story. a woman here in new york took off all of her clothes on a delta flight this week. [ light laughter ] people knew something was wrong when they actually heard the words "took off" and "delta" in the same sentence. [ laughter ] they're like, "that's got to be something." give me that. hey, new york's health department has a new iphone app to help new...
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Feb 2, 2011
02/11
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[ laughter ] that's like obama going, "welcome to the state of the union. i'd just like to let everyone know i will not be having brunch with amber from 'teen mom' tomorrow." [ laughter ] i just saw this. a police department in texas is letting bicycle cops wear cameras on their helmets. [ one audience member laughs hysterically ] [ laughter ] the department said -- yeah. it's all part of their plan to some how make the nerdiest form of law enforcement even nerdier. [ laughter ] "you must wear these regulation black socks with sandals." "why?" "and put these baseball cards in your spokes." "why would i do that?" "it makes it sound like a motorcycle. now get on the beat." [ laughter ] this is interesting. the russian navy is getting a new nuclear submarine that has been under construction since 1993. you can tell it's from '93 because instead of torpedoes it fires koosh balls. [ laughter ] you can tell the sub has been around for a while. on the back, the bumper sticker says "whoomp, there it is!" [ laughter ] oh, it's old. [ scattered applause ] [ audience
[ laughter ] that's like obama going, "welcome to the state of the union. i'd just like to let everyone know i will not be having brunch with amber from 'teen mom' tomorrow." [ laughter ] i just saw this. a police department in texas is letting bicycle cops wear cameras on their helmets. [ one audience member laughs hysterically ] [ laughter ] the department said -- yeah. it's all part of their plan to some how make the nerdiest form of law enforcement even nerdier. [ laughter ]...
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Feb 19, 2011
02/11
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. >> jimmy: president obama, we have -- >> you gave that a two-year shot. it is over. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? >> it's done. he's got two more years. that's why he goes on so many vacations. he knows it's finished. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, i mean -- what do you think? >> was it the applause sign, or they just clapped on their own? [ laughter ] you're finished with him. >> jimmy: i love that -- i support the president. i like the president. >> can't deal with a black boss, man. he has to go, man. but god bless him. it was good to be alive to see it. >> jimmy: yeah, it was. >> jimmy: but i -- i've got to say -- i get what you're saying. and i got -- there's so many points like this and more. you will laugh until you're crying out loud. how funny. patrice o'neal. "elephant in the room," you guys. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night! dvd out tuesday. patrice o'neal, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ deja: i look c-u-t-e, whatever my locale. when i get a mani/pedi or a root canal. i'm super c-u-t-e, every single day. knock, knock. it's the
. >> jimmy: president obama, we have -- >> you gave that a two-year shot. it is over. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? >> it's done. he's got two more years. that's why he goes on so many vacations. he knows it's finished. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, i mean -- what do you think? >> was it the applause sign, or they just clapped on their own? [ laughter ] you're finished with him. >> jimmy: i love that -- i support the president. i like the president....
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Feb 25, 2011
02/11
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say hi to obama. he's on a llama. [ laughter ] >> now, when they told me that denise wanted me to stop by and visit, i knew it was the polite thing to do because yvonne salahuddin is a polite, gracious and elegant woman. ♪ ♪ >> excuse me now. if i could get everyone's attention, please? it's been a very good year for my husband and the show. >> he's been on the cover of a few big magazines. he looks pretty good. [ scattered applause ] a little gay, but pretty good. [ laughter ] >> he's not the only one who's been asked to be in a magazine. "glamour" magazine has asked me to be in their april issue. "glamour" magazine. >> did somebody say "glamour?" >> do me a favor. just don't -- don't tell yvonne. i just don't want the drama. it's my big day, okay? [ light laughter ] >> whatever you want. >> it's my day -- it's my time to shine, and i am so excited. nothing is going to rain on my parade. >> oh, honey, i will be at that photo shoot. because if there's one woman who has glamour to share with the wo
say hi to obama. he's on a llama. [ laughter ] >> now, when they told me that denise wanted me to stop by and visit, i knew it was the polite thing to do because yvonne salahuddin is a polite, gracious and elegant woman. ♪ ♪ >> excuse me now. if i could get everyone's attention, please? it's been a very good year for my husband and the show. >> he's been on the cover of a few big magazines. he looks pretty good. [ scattered applause ] a little gay, but pretty good. [...
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Feb 9, 2011
02/11
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hey, a year ago this week, michelle obama announced her plan to fight childhood obesity, called "let's move." [ light laughter ] and i think americans have been pretty clear in announcing their answer -- "no." [ laughter ] earlier tonight the green bay packers hosted a super bowl celebration at lambeau field. right. and this is cool, as a treat for the fans, christina aguilera came and messed up the words to "we are the champions." ' [ laughter ] that was really -- that was nice. [ cheers and applause ] that was surprising. didn't have to. that was surprising. ♪ we are the rock you we will [ laughter ] and champions will rock you, oh we will ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: you guys hear about this? there was a major power outage in new jersey yesterday that caused a 90 minute showdown at newark airport. it was pretty bad. yeah, instead of sending people through the body scanners. screeners were forced to stare at people and imagine really hard. [ laughter ] check this out, prince william's best friend and nightclub owner, guy pelly, is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. [ chee
hey, a year ago this week, michelle obama announced her plan to fight childhood obesity, called "let's move." [ light laughter ] and i think americans have been pretty clear in announcing their answer -- "no." [ laughter ] earlier tonight the green bay packers hosted a super bowl celebration at lambeau field. right. and this is cool, as a treat for the fans, christina aguilera came and messed up the words to "we are the champions." ' [ laughter ] that was really --...